Shit I Don’t Want For Mother’s Day

mother and son playing at the beach

Confessing online is the worst because then everyone can see what a bad person I am, but here it goes anyway. Mother’s Day is around the corner and there are lots of traditional gifts that are given around this time, but not all of them are desirable. Here’s some shit you shouldn’t be getting me for Mother’s Day.


I do like flowers, they’re pretty and smell wonderful — just not in my house. Do you know how lucky I am that my children are still alive? My husband got me a baby bonsai tree when we first started dating. It was, you know, one of those plants that needs little to no water and zero attention. Do you know how I killed it? I accidentally dropped it down a flight of stairs. For real. I’m just not good at taking care of living things.

You know what other living things are in my house? Three rambunctious dogs and a cat. When those gorgeous flowers you got for me get thrown to the floor and trampled, there are bound to be lots of tears, and they won’t be mine.

Do me a favor and just skip the flowers. It might be nice to redo the landscaping out front, but even that is a bit sketchy with me in charge.


My kids are crazy adorable. So freaking adorable, in fact, that I sometimes have to prevent myself from pinching them just for the fun of it. My Facebook page is littered with images of them being cute and, believe it or not, I do like displaying these moments in my house. I need these images, however, to be the moments of my choosing.

Call me obsessive. Call me controlling. Call me bitchy. You win! I am all of these things. But it’s my house, so I’ll do what I want with it.

Plus, have you seen “professional” photos lately? My husband thought I was an asshole for not purchasing our son’s kindergarten photos until the proofs came home and he realized our kid looked like a psycho. (Then he was mad I didn’t buy the photos because those crazy eyes were epic.) Then you have the portraits of everyone looking perfect in a setting that they would never have been in otherwise — it’s just not my jam. My favorite images are typically the ones I capture with my iPhone when we’re traveling, disheveled, overtired, hungry, experiencing new things together, and completely and utterly happy. Those are the kinds of images I choose to display in my home. So please don’t get me pictures, I’m already on it.

Handmade items

I loathe handmade gifts, even if it’s against the mommy code of conduct. Let me explain. My oldest isn’t really the creative type. My husband has to remind him to make me cards for special occasions and his typical response is, “Can’t sister do it?” It’s not really his thing and I don’t like getting gifts that don’t have any thought behind them. He has produced a few adorable pieces and I’ve got them stored in a box up in his closet for a rainy day, though.

These are just a few mementos and I save roughly one a year. I don’t know what I would do if he started making shit for every single occasion. The ugly truth is that this stuff is, well, ugly and I don’t have the space to store and/or display it all. I’ve waited a long time to be grown up enough to have a space to decorate; I’ll be damned if it’s going to be covered in crayon marks.

Anything you “think” I might like

Probably the worst gift of all is one that you think I’m going to like, but I don’t. It’s uncomfortable pretending to be excited when I can’t imagine why you purchased this item. More often than not, you’re just getting me something you like that doesn’t really fit my personality or style at all. While I appreciate the sentiment, I’m a mom. I never get anything for myself. My “want” list is longer than my arm. All you have to do is ask and stick to the list, dammit.

Want to get me shit I do want for Mother’s Day? Here’s my list this year:

  • All the black yoga leggings from Old Navy. I don’t want to wear anything else. Ever.
  • Milk chocolate truffles from Kakawa Chocolate House in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Milk chocolate may be the lamest choice you can possibly make from such a unique shop, but I don’t care. They are my favorite and I want them all.
  • Layering necklaces from Alex and Ani. I’m currently obsessed with all the pretty, shiny things.
  • Food I didn’t cook. Make dinner. Take me out. I don’t care, I just don’t want to cook. Or clean. Or take care of anything for that matter — including kids. I’ve done my time. Feed me and leave me alone.

What do you want for Mother’s Day this year?

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