My 3 Favorite Lies People Tell Pregnant Women

36 weeks pregnant

I’ve been pregnant a few times now. Each time it’s been a unique experience, but the things people say to me continue to be the same. I know that everyone means well, but not all of their advice is really solid. Here are my three favorite lies people have told me during my pregnancies.

You’re glowing!

Let’s get real for just a second. There is something beautiful about pregnancy, I’ll admit it. I can’t put my finger on in exactly, but it’s true that many, many, many pregnant women are beautiful. (Maybe it’s the boobs?) However, it’s not this glamorous time in your life that it is often described to be. That’s now “glow” ya’ll, it’s straight up sweat.

Your body changes in crazy ways when you have a bun in the oven. Those hormones do crazy things! You get pimples, and not necessarily on your face. You also get some killer cankles, and if I’m being honest, I found one lonely little black hair on my chin the other day. I was not impressed. If you’re a lady who appreciates grooming below the belt, you can kiss shaving goodbye, which especially fun for a third trimester smack dab in the middle of summer.

While it’s nice that everyone is constantly trying to boost your self-esteem during this critical time, it seems disingenuous to me to be going on about how gorgeous I am. Just don’t stare at my chin hair and we’ll be cool.

Don’t worry, you’re eating for two

I took comfort in this during my first pregnancy. I was ravenous, and I refused to feel guilty about downing three grilled cheeses in one sitting because, hey, clearly the baby needs sustenance! Ya, that’s not really the case. While my little nugget came out perfect and round, I walked away from that first pregnancy roughly 35 pounds heavier than my norm with no energy or even intention, really, to get back to a healthy place.

When you really take a second to think about it, the creature you are carrying does not get person-like for months and months. It isn’t until after the halfway point that they can even be expected to clear a pound. How much food do you really think this little person needs?

The whole eating for two myth totally gives women the wrong idea, and for women like me who enjoy a good cheeseburger three times a day, that can be problematic. Now I’m not suggesting that you ever, ever try to convince a pregnant woman that she should be eating less. That’s dangerous, and nobody wins in that situation. However, don’t lead her to believe that she needs to take in enough food for two grown people. Just buy her a chocolate bar and walk away slowly.

Just listen to your body, you’ll know

I see this comment on all the pregnancy boards all the time, and it’s the biggest load of shit anyone could possibly feed a pregnant woman ever. “Just listen to what your body is telling you!” and “You’ll know when it’s time!” are the most useless comments you can give a pregnant woman, especially if it’s her first go at giving birth.

You want to know the honest truth? Well, here it is: You know nothing, Jon Snow.

When you’re pregnant, especially at the end of a pregnancy, everything hurts. Just everything. Standing up. Sitting down. Laying on your right. Laying on your left. There’s intense pressure in your back at this point. It could be that you’re starting to have back labor. It could also mean that there’s a little head on your spine and nothing at all is actually happening. You may get contractions two to three minutes apart. Guess what? If they don’t hurt so bad that you’re absolutely sure you are dying, it doesn’t mean anything. Just practice. Did your mucus plug come out? Well, if you’re not in active labor, it’ll just regenerate. Nothing to get too excited about.

There is certainly no shame in going to get checked out if you’re unsure or worried, but the idea that you’ll just know what your body is telling you is absurd. Every woman is different. Every pregnancy is different. A symptom of labor could just as easily be a normal pain for a woman with eight pounds of baby pushing directly down on her hips, back, and cervix.

The truth? Expect the unexpected. Hit up Google to see what other women have said about experiencing what you’re now feeling. If you feel uneasy, go to the doctor. But for the love of all things holy, don’t feel like you should just know. It’s a puzzle to us all. Every. Single. Time.

Pregnancy is, to say the least, an incredibly interesting time in a person’s life. Everyone wants to help you out and share all their nuggets of wisdom, but not all advice is useful. If you’ve had a baby before, what your favorite lie or piece of advice you found to be completely bogus once you had experienced it all for yourself?

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