My heart was completely broken and it’s my pregnancy that caused it. For months and months I’ve been anxiously anticipating the entrance of this new and wonderful child into my life, but as my due date approached, I wasn’t so sure, and it scared me. It scared me shitless, because the new baby was coming whether I was ready or not. She’s was coming whether her big sister and I can handle the change or not.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, it was exactly what hubby and I had been hoping for. By the time she would arrive, our son would be five years old…. Much older than we had planned on for when our second child came along, but whatcha gonna do? It ended up being a blessing in disguise as he was independent and helpful, not needy or jealous. We simply could not have asked for a better set up, even if it’s not what we had originally wanted for the structure of our family.
It took longer to get to the point in life where we felt comfortable expanding our family again then we had thought it would, so after number two came, we tried to get pregnant again within the year. It didn’t take long at all, but we lost her. After a devastating loss, we found ourselves immediately pregnant again and we couldn’t have been more grateful.
My body grew and grew and the baby inside me continued to develop healthy and strong. Everything was perfect as perfect could be. Then my toddler started getting needy and difficult. She wanted me all the time, even when she didn’t know what she wanted. She’d scream and throw herself around, even when she was getting the thing she asked for. I was completely overwhelmed.
Then, after one long day near the very end of my pregnancy, she decided to be adorable. She’d throw herself in my lap and give me eskimo kisses. She’d scream in delight every time I tickled her little tummy. She’d ask nicely to be picked up, for me to get her cup, or grab my hands and start to sing. Finally, I had to sit and rub her back to get her to calm down to sleep, and she looked up at me adoringly with those big blue eyes the entire time.
After such a beautiful and much needed night, I was reminded of how little she is still. I began to mourn. Her brother had so much more time with his father and I as a toddler, but she’d have to stop being the baby much, much sooner.
Then, finally, it happened. One day before my due date I went screaming into labor. Less than four hours later, we became a family of five. I waited anxiously the next day for my kids to meet their little sister. My toddler rushed in the room, lit up like a Christmas tree at the sight of me. “Mama!” she yelled. Then she saw it. (Her little sister.) My baby’s face dropped like someone had just taken her lollipop, and the knot in my stomach tightened to an extreme I didn’t realize was possible. The next “Mama!” that came from her was pained and she struggled to free herself from my husband. He placed her in my lap.
She sat quietly staring at the little bundle in my arms. Then she reached out gently to touch the baby. My toddler was in complete awe. It’s two weeks after the birth of her sister, and seeing them together is constantly bringing me to tears. (Maybe it’s the hormones.) She pats the little one’s head, pushes her in the swing, and exclaims “Oh no!” when she starts to cry. Yes, she wants to climb into my lap while I’m nursing and occasionally she tries to ‘share’ her sippy with her sister by chucking it at her head, but at the end of the day, it’s all love.
Just when I thought I couldn’t handle any more, my toddler showed me that love can only be multiplied, and I’m no longer afraid.