By the end of the day, I’m usually pretty tired of adulting. I still need to manage getting the laundry folded, dishes done, dinner cleaned up, and about a zillion other things before the kids are ready for some shut eye. However, since daylight savings time kicked in, it’s been harder and harder to convince them that 5:30 is the right time to go to bed. So now we have a 30-minute or so wind down time in front of the digital babysitter while mommy gets her shit together. Some nights I avoid the living room at all costs because I can hear what they’ve got playing. Here are the six kid’s cartoon characters that I think really deserve a punch in the face.
#6 – The Entire Cast of Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse
In general, this show is fine. The characters aren’t too annoying and the premise is pretty educational. What I really can’t stand, though, is the theme song. “Come inside, it’s fun inside!”
No. Absolutely not. It sounds like they’re prepping my kid to meet a child predator. Whoever wrote that theme song got their messaging all wrong. I feel like having a conversation with my kids about stranger danger every time those smiley, pleasant characters sing it.
#5 – Katerina Kittycat
I seriously love that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is a thing now. I was obsessed with Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood when I was little. It’s a nice show that proves to be a great distraction for my toddler in the morning before I’m awake enough to function. However — and this is a big however — what’s the deal with that cat character?
We can all see that she’s a cat. It’s pretty clear. There’s absolutely no reason that she needs to say “ meow meow” in every sentence. Literally every sentence. It’s not obnoxious or anything.
#4 – Special Agent Oso
This guy is sent to help young children with menial tasks like water the flowers or putting a letter in the mail. However, when he gets sent away on these little special assignments, he’s always in the midst of a larger mission, like fixing the space station, which he promptly abandons. Not only does this guy not have his priorities straight, he’s never capable of actually helping the children accomplish their own task. But now he’s going to head right back up to space after and try to fix the damn space station. Right. Sorry, but maybe someone who can actually tie their shoes should be in charge of the next space mission.
#3 – The Map
When was the last time your kid watched Dora the Explorer? You never realize how much your little ones pick up from television until they can relay the information they digested in a real life situation. Have you ever taken a 17-hour road trip with a three year old that likes Dora? Try listening to “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map” on replay for a couple hours. Then tell me how cute that little travel tool is.
#2 – Spongebob
It’s no secret that Spongebob has basically a cult following, but for the life of me I can’t understand why. My kindergartener LOVES him. Maybe it’s the fact that there’s nothing educational about the show. Maybe it’s that Spongebob is completely oblivious and has the most stupid laugh ever created. Maybe it’s the theme song — that’s actually pretty catchy.
I really can’t pinpoint why I hate him so much, but I do. All I know is that this Ren and Stimpy knock off has no place in my living room.
#1 – Caillou
I’m generally in love with PBS Kid’s shows. Curious George is adorable; Wild Kratts teaches kids all about animals in an entertaining way, Dinosaur Train works strangely enough; and any network featuring my homeboy Elmo is hard to dislike. Whoever created Caillou, however, really screwed the pooch.
If you’ve ever had the displeasure of watching this show with your little ones, the first thing you’ll notice is this kid’s horrible, high-pitched voice. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. If you listen for more than 60 seconds, you’ll hear this kid start whining about something. Anything. Everything. I know the show is about the real life of a toddler, but the last thing my kid needs is another bad example in her life. I’ve got that role fully covered.
Which kid’s cartoon characters would you add to this list and why?